The Ride

It has been two weeks since we got the official news. It's up and down. Realizing it's our dog Tori's birthday, being so sad realizing Tori may outlive Brian...

Having a nice dinner and planning our houseboat reservation that same night - felt a lot better.

Going to my mom's and seeing an art book she got at the hotel at our wedding - sad again...

Talking about our trip up North in September, so nice....


So it goes, back and forth. Sadness, a tough of denial, grief and then better, good, okay we can handle this and then just seeing another woman's wedding ring and being a little envious her husband is okay.

The hardest moments are thinking too far into the future, the best are in the now.

I feel myself being quieter. I feel myself more comfortable at work than with friends, except when I am with Brian. Yet I fear my friends "poofing" on me, being too uncomfortable to hang with us anymore. Some of that is bound to happen, I get that and I don't even resent it.

I feel freakish. THIS happened to us? WTF? I get crabby. I can't comfort anyone but us now, I have no bandwidth for that, I can only take care of us.

I feel gratitude. I appreciate the love and the kindness we have been shown.

I feel embarrassed at how may "I's" are in this post.

I feel I can talk about myself now without apology. Judge my self centered talk when you walk in my shoes.

 I stare at this beast, side by side with the love of my life. The beast will win in one way, but can never truly win. Love lives here. Hope on levels I never understood before lives here. The beast is stealing years from us, but what we have been and are today to each other is eternal. I believe that.

The ride continues. I am thankful for today.

Comments

  1. Storybabe's JournalJuly 15, 2016 at 3:57 AM

    I lost my hubby in 1999. The doctors all told us in 1992 he had about 6 months to live. Sometimes you get miracles. Hang tough and love large! Don't allow fear and sadness to ruin the time you have! It is only natural to bounce back and forth emotionaly!

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJuly 15, 2016 at 6:48 AM

    Thank you for sharing such personal feelings with us. You're right; love wins.

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownJuly 15, 2016 at 9:56 AM

    Thanks John and Story.

    ReplyDelete

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