Strength

Friends, this one is a little dark and brooding.

Not long ago, I posted about strength on Facebook.

Being a "strong person" is not in my opinion so much an admirable mark of virtue, a credit to the individual as it is an innate thing, like eye or hair color. I am not sure parents instill it in a kid. I am not sure we as people really "develop" it, and in some ways I am not sure what it means. 

If strength means not falling apart in the face of adversity, then I think the great majority of us have a lot of that. The reason is evolution - and natural selection. You had ancestors that not only survived the black plague, they did not end it all when no one they knew or cared about survived the black plague. You had ancestors, know it or not that lost multiple children to now curable diseases. In addition to that, they lived frequently with chronic pain and worked physically on a level most never see today. You are built to your core for survival.

So, am I strong? Yes I am, I say it as a matter not of pride but of fact. It has come in handy in our current situation. Any passing fancies to lay in bed and cry all day go away in a minute or two. Brian needs better than that, and so does everyone else around me but honestly the main thing in my darkest moments is that the Darwin thing kicks in -built to move forward and forward, that is exactly what I do.


That is not to say I am only a hurting unit now. I can and do enjoy things still, it's harder sometimes and it's haunted, but I still do.

Brian continues to do pretty well physically and to enjoy things as well. Our reality was so simply put by him tonight when he said "I don't have much longer, three years tops". We sit with that truth, we live with his illness together. He sort of pushes at me to grasp my future without him, and I do wrestle with it in bite sized chunks that occasional turn back and take a gulp out of me. 

I'll be alright and so will he, as the song said that first day he is gone.

Meanwhile, we have this day. We have the strength and love to enjoy it. Thank you God - and Darwin.





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